Based on reading the USDA’s draft proposal for the National Animal Identification System some people are wondering how the USDA is going to tag all the wild animals that fall within the working species groups that must be tracked. The USDA says we don’t have to tag the wild animals. That is good to know…
It is the year 2009, February 22nd, the birthday of General George Washington. Today it is a bit windy and the cold is biting here on the eastern slope of Sugar Mountain in northern Vermont. The USDA shows up at my doorstep demanding to know why I have not voluntarily enrolled in their National Animal Identification System…
USDA Agent dressed all in black: Why haven’t you registered your farm and livestock for NAIS yet?
Me: What farm? I’m just a humble wood cutter.
Agent: Don’t give me that. I see all those pigs and sheep in the field!
Me: Oh, those are just wild animals. Aren’t they pretty!
Agent: You mean you don’t feed them?
Me: Sure I do. Just like feeding the song birds. Such fun!
Agent: But don’t you sell them?
Me: Sure, want to buy a pig? I can probably catch you one if you like. Wild pastured pigs are the best. High in Omega-3 fatty acids, low in those artery clogging Omega-6’s. Frankly, you look like you could cut back on those bad acids a bit. You’re getting red in the face. Or is it the wind? Better check your blood pressure, mister.
Agent: There, you admit it, you feed them, you sell them, you’re farming them!
Me: What?!? No way. They are just running around wild out there in the field. Just because I happen to be able to catch you a pig doesn’t mean anything. I could pick you a dandelion next summer but that does not mean I farm dandelions. I could catch you a chickadee but that is still just a wild bird.
Agent: Oh, so I can just take one?
Me: Nope, they’re on my land and you would be trespassing. See those No Hunting - No Trespassing signs?
Agent: So.
Me: See those very big dogs?
Agent: Oh, my… Do they bite?
Kita: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Me: They haven’t bitten anyone today. But I would not move suddenly if I were you.
Agent: Ah. Yes. I see… Well you have fences to keep the animals in.
Me: Yes… and your point?
Agent: So that proves you are farming. You’ve got fences.
Me: I thought we were talking about pigs and sheep. Now you say I am farming fences? Are you really asking if I grow fences? I didn’t realize the government wanted to start tracking fences. Mine pretty much stay right where they are…
Agent: No! No! You have fences to keep your livestock confined!
Me: I have fences but so does my neighbor and they have no animals at all. Are they farming too? Frankly, fences do not a farmer make. In fact, some places I don’t even have fences. Also, there are deer, mice, moose, bear and other wild animals out there besides the wild pigs and wild sheep. Are you going to accuse me of farming bears and coyotes just because there are bears out there shitting in the woods and I have fences? That is royally funny!
Agent: You have to ID your animals!
Me: Really? You see that 900 lb boar over there…
Agent: Which one is the boar?
Me: The one with the balls. The one with the really big tusks who is pawing the ground. The one that is eyeing you…
Agent: Yes…
Me: You go stick a tag in him. But, I suggest you first check that your life insurance premiums are paid up… Health insurance too because he might not kill you. He might just rip off your arm.
Agent: Is he really wild?!?
Me: Yep. Those are wild pastured Yorkshire pigs. Beautiful animals.
Agent: Hmm… He doesn’t look too friendly… Maybe these really are just wild animals… Tell you what - I’ll just mark you down as a vegetable farm.
Me: Do I have to tag my carrots?
Agent: No, not yet.
Me: Okay.
Note: I made that all up. The USDA has not yet said we don’t have to tag wild animals. -WJ
PS. This ones for you, Steve!
Hey, Walter
I’m always thinking about these hypothetical conversations, like the one I emailed you recently and I know YOU don’t have too much time on your hands! But seriously, I do recall a conversation someone who posts here had with a USDA person who said if they had the potential to make $1000, they would be considered a farm. I have the potential to maim or kill a USDA agent, too. SO doesn that mean I’m guilty and should be locked up now????? Oh, boy. Thought police! Also, what gives anyone the gall to indiscriminately kill healthy animals just because one a county over looks funny? Would they kill all dogs in the area because one bitten by a fox tested rabid three miles away?? Sounds pretty similar to me.
Comment Cynthia B. — April 27, 2006 @ 7:11 am
HAHAHAH… that was halarious!
Comment Jolly Sapper — April 27, 2006 @ 7:30 am
Too funny! I can see a lot of “wild” animals running around here now. . . we actually do have wild sheep–some farmer 25-30 years ago decided it was too much trouble to keep his fences up so he let his flock roam. The few which escaped notice each year became more and more feral. There is a sizeable population of them in one spot. The current farmer who owns the land tolerates them and occasionally will herd whichever ones he can into a field and cull them. They are rather thick, shaggy, tailed creatures with wild horns and very skiddish. If you could ever tame them they would be a throwback merino unlike anywhere else.
As for tagging the carrots–unnecessary, but I wish the USDA would think of tagging and tracking root flies–I don’t think I’d mind the feds gassing and composting them. . . .
Comment Podchef — April 27, 2006 @ 9:54 am
I’m not a farmer or rancher, but I am an American. You guys better fight this and win without compromise, or you’ll be taxed to death on your animals. WHen they can force you to perpetually divulge your inventory, they will want to tax you for the methane that comes out their butts, the grass they eat, and the “health risk” they pose as carriers of some bogus disease. This is ancient Rome all over again. Do NOT cave in on this, and do not compromise.
Comment Jerry Davis — April 27, 2006 @ 10:19 am
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!
Comment Carolyn Sowden — April 27, 2006 @ 11:33 am
I too have no livestock. The guy down the road has chickens though and some of them have taken to being free range. Presently there are 2 nests under my workshop with some newly hatched chicks. I wonder if i am to be considered farming these obviously wild chickens and subject to fine since they are on my property and technically i am feeding them….grass, bugs etc.
My second comment as a non livestock farmer (i do have a veg. garden and some bees) is to respond to fellow non farmer jerry davis - Jerry, this fight belongs to all of us. As non farmers we should be able to garner lots of attention and enlist others in support of this cause simply because we do not have a vested interest —-other than desiring to be able to afford to eat.
Comment David A. — April 27, 2006 @ 12:42 pm
It would be funnier if it were not potentially true. Wild animals will eventually be declared illegal and will be killed off in all areas except designated “wild animal” areas. We will keep up the fight until the end however!!!!
Comment Andrew — April 27, 2006 @ 2:10 pm
Excellent, excellent, excellent! In all my correspondence I’ve indicated to the elected officials that I’m not a farmer. Now I have to say maybe I am - I do grow green beans and other veggies in the summer. Guess I’d better save up to buy those micro-chips!! You made my day, Walter!
Comment Faith — April 27, 2006 @ 3:00 pm
That was very good. In the area I live in I’m hearing a lot of people that raise goats have a hard time selling off the bucks even as wetters and would be lucky to get $25. That being the case, they say they will just have to turn them loose because it will cost them more than they can get. I’m sure it won’t be limited to goats either.
Comment Robin — April 27, 2006 @ 8:38 pm
In Arkansas, they climb all over you if you dare to try to raise pigs anymore…but the wild razorbacks/pigs are so thick that they beg you to hunt them. Are the domestic pigs the only ones that can have diseases? The way the government acts, you’d think so. Three springs ago, the government turned 50 red wolves loose in our community without telling anyone first. Anyone doing anything about vaccinating them for rabies? Nope. The government knows that it’s impossible to tag and track all of the wild animals - this is just another double standard typical of government regulation.
Comment Anita — April 27, 2006 @ 11:34 pm
LOL! Can I fence in some wild ducks, rabbits, and mini goats?
AGDAY announced how many properties were “signed up” for NAIS the other day, without saying that many of these people were tricked into it and signed up without their consent. We should start storming them.
Comment b_heart11 — April 28, 2006 @ 4:44 am
HOORAY! for non-farmers like Jerry Davis, David A. and Faith who are speaking out against NAIS. We need you, folks. If the gov’t. hears from a broad spectrum of citizens who oppose this atrocity, they are compelled to take note, or else we’ll all know whose back pockets they’re really in, right?
Comment FarmerSid — April 28, 2006 @ 2:43 pm
BOYCOTT NONAIS
ON MAY DAY
GET OUT ON THE STREETS
AND JOIN WITH OPPRESSED
PEOPLE EVERYWHERE
HOWEVER::::
be here bright and early
on tuesday with new and exciting
ideas
You can circulate flyers and petitions too
Comment sid sargent — April 29, 2006 @ 8:41 am
maybe this is a stupid idea
Comment sid sargent — April 29, 2006 @ 12:48 pm
Funny, but the sad truth would be that they would show up with trucks, men and guns to kill and load up all of your “wildlife”…….
Comment Kamatu — May 2, 2006 @ 6:39 am
ha-ha
Comment anna — June 28, 2006 @ 6:53 pm
Hey Kamatu, Not if you shoot them first.
Comment Hannah — July 13, 2006 @ 6:46 am
Cute Walter real cute!
Comment Mark V. — August 15, 2006 @ 7:58 pm